Conflict, unfortunately, is a part of our everyday lives. Even with our best of intentions, there will come a day, time, and or situation that will cause us conflict in our lives. Sometimes it may be professionally, sometimes personally, and sometime even an internal conflict. Though we can try to navigate around conflict and avoid it whenever possible, we still need to be prepared to handle and resolve it in the best ways possible when the situation presents itself.
If i'm being honest, the biggest conflict lately in my life is on a personal level with my husband. There is a constant push and pull between us, and we are having times of conflict almost daily. I know that there are a lot of contributing factors that have us in this current spot, none of them being huge or terrible, but mostly revolving around both of us being busy, over-worked, stressed, and feeling under appreciated by the other person.
This weeks learning, regarding conflict resolution has given me some pretty good insight into some of the disconnect between us, that is causing some of this conflict to occur. The first thing that I'm seeing is the need for mutual respect between us. Let me break it down a bit more though, because the term "respect" is pretty vague. There's respect between us, however there is NOT respect between us for how the other person is feeling. If i'm being honest with myself (and now anyone reading this) I don't respect how he's feeling, because I think that he should be doing and giving more. I'm not respecting his thoughts, feelings, and as a result it's causing conflict. And on the flip side (in my opinion anyways) he isn't respecting my thoughts or feelings either.
If neither of us can acknowledge respect for the others person thoughts and/or feelings, how can we ever truly resolve this conflict? We cannot. As I shared in my discussion post this week, I am a firm believer that I don't to agree with someone else thoughts, beliefs, and/or opinions. However, I do have to show them respect for having strong feelings/opinions on different things. And this is something that he and I both need to work on.
I also think that we need to work harder to come to compromises on many of our conflicts. We both passionately believe that we are "right" and the other person is "wrong". And that is our roadblock. However, generally speaking there is a bit of truth in both sides, and if we can come together, meet on middle ground and compromise in our resolution not only will the conflict go away but it'll show both of us that we respect each other enough to work through it in a positive way.
It's interesting and maybe a bit "funny" how easy it is for me to come to this realization when I look at it in this way. Obviously when feelings and emotions are involved it isn't always so black and white and certainly isn't so "easy". I feel like the more you care and are emotionally invested in something/someone the harder it is to resolve conflict. Our passion and care makes resolution harder to reach... Anyone else feel this way?
Hello Jessica, I entirely agree with you that "Obviously when feelings and emotions are involved, it isn't always so black and white and certainly isn't so easy." Feelings represent our emotional experience and physical sensations associated with our needs that have been met or that remain unmet (see below). Our aim is to identify, name, and connect with those feelings.
ReplyDeleteThe key to identifying and expressing feelings is to focus on words that describe our inner experience rather than words that describe our interpretations of people's actions. When we express our feelings, we continue the process of taking responsibility for our experience, which helps others hear what's important to us with less likelihood of hearing criticism or blame of themselves. In addition, this increases the probability that they will respond in a way that meets both our needs. Great post!
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to face things and acknowledge what we may perceive. I concur that the more you care and are emotionally invested in something/someone the harder it is to resolve conflict. It might be a good idea to let things cool off while you are both stressed and revisit at a less tensed period. it might just be a difficult period you are facing because of the stress. Thanks for sharing